It's so hard!

Well, here I go again. I don't know why it's so hard for me to make myself write/type out what has gone and how I feel about it. Regular journaling is a struggle lately, too. I think it's because what I would be writing seems too precious to be written out. Like putting happenings and feelings down on paper or online would somehow cheapen the beauty of it all.
I'm not really in the mood now, but I'll give it a try.
Today Emily comes home from Turkey! I really miss her and can't wait to see her. The insides of my arms are itching for an Em hug.
Tomorrow is Anders' and my eight month courtship anniversary. We're going riding with his dad and his dad's friend up to the up-highest place around. Yeah! We were wanting to do this for my birthday, but other, Priney stuff got scheduled and we've had to postpone.
I wish I could convey to y'all how much Anders and I love each other. Unfortunately, you would probably not care, get sick, get jealous, or not fully understand. Not only that, but I myself have a hard enough time wrapping my brain around it. Yesterday he was here in the house when I came home from work. He had hidden clues to a treasure and then hidden himself. He could hear me running from room to room, absolutely giddy and laughing my head off. "I don't have time for this, I have to pee!" Then I found the marble in the sugar canister, but I couldn't find Anders anywhere! I opened every closet door, looked under the beds, behind the washer and dryer, in the woodshed, garage, everywhere! My adrenaline was pumping, expecting him to jump out at me any moment. Then I saw his wonderfully masculine shoulder behind the entertainment center!
I get a taste of heaven on earth in his embrace. He and his name go together so well. Anders is the Scandinavian form of Andrew, which means MANLY! Yup, he's my manly man. Wild, dangerous, gentle, strong in character as well as in body, submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, children love him, he rides a horse like nobody's business, and he makes me feel like the most beautiful, feminine Woman on earth. What more could a girl ask for?

Psalm 37:1-40

Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.

For they shall soon be cut down like the grass and wither as the green herb.

Trust in the LORD and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

Delight thyself in the LORD; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.

And He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth

For yet a little while, and the wicked shall not be: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it shall not be.

But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

The wicked plotteth against the just, and gnasheth upon him with his teeth.

The LORD shall laugh at him: for He sees that his day is coming.

The wicked have drawn out the sword, and have bent their bow, to cast down the poor and needy, and to slay such as be of upright conversation.

Their sword shall enter their own heart, and their bows shall be broken.

A little that the righteous man hath is better than the riches of many wicked.

For the arms of the wicked shall be broken: but the LORD upholdeth the righteous.

The LORD knoweth the days of the upright: and their inheritance shall be forever.

They shall not be ashamed in the evil time: and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

But the wicked shall perish, and the enemies of the LORD shall be as the fat of lambs: they shall consume; into smoke they shall consume away.

The wicked borroweth, and payeth not again: but the righteous sheweth mercy, and giveth.

For such as be blessed of him shall inherit the earth; and they that are cursed of him shall be cut off.

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him in His hand.

I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.

Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore.

For the LORD loveth judgment, and forsaketh not His saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off.

The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein forever.

The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment.

The law of his God is in his heart: none of his steps will slide.

The wicked watcheth the righteous, and seeketh to slay him.

The LORD will not leave him in his hand, nor condemn him when he is judged.

Wait on the LORD, and keep His way, and He shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it.

I have seen the wicked in great power, and spreading himself like a green bay tree.

Yet he passed away, and, lo, he was not: yea, I sought him, but he could not be found.

Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace.

But the transgressors shall be destroyed together: the end of the wicked shall be cut off.

But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: He is their strength in the time of trouble.

And the LORD shall help them and deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him.

I can't write much because of time limitations, but I just wanted to touch bases again and let you all know that things are going well for me.
I'm looking for my first car. I know it's out there somewhere...reliable, cheap, 80+ mpg...something like that.
Anders and I just celebrated 7 months of courtship yesterday by hanging out at my house all day. It was fun and relaxing. We don't get to spend much quality time with each other so we've started setting aside one day a week just for each other. God is really blessing us in our relationship. There is so much I wish you all could know by brain waves because it would take too long to type for me and read for you. When we all get to heaven we'll talk.
Josh moved up June 10. He's a very likeable guy. He adds a lot to our youth group and circle of friends.
I'm done typing now so I'll sign off.
In case you're wondering, I did survive the Prineville week okay. Anders was able to call me three times for about 7 minutes. That's the total from all three calls. It wasn't his fault, it's just that there were two married guys who called their wives first and talked all they wanted. When Anders was finally able to wrestle the phone away, the truck started up, the guys started chattering, and we lost reception very quickly. Oh, well. Someday...

God just won't stop blessing me! Julie's horse Duchess foaled in the early morning of my birthday. A beautiful, healthy, strong filly we named Zephyr. Yesterday we found out that Michele's sister and her husband also welcomed their firstborn on the 25th of May; a little boy named Timothy Asher. Congrats, you three! And how cool that Calvin now has a 21 year old sister and a nephew all on the same day! Pretty darn.
What else is going on? Anders is gone with his dad and the Walker males to Prineville for seven long days of no cell phone reception but I'm okay because God is enough and I can make it without hearing from Anders because I've done it before just not when we were really in love so this is new so could you pray for me because I really miss him already and I wish I was there shooting prairie rats and exploring and camping and just being with my man but I'm okay because God is enough and His grace is sufficient in my weakness.
Anders' Honor Academy brother Josh in moving from Houstin, TX to live with the Pollmans for a while. He needs a change of scenery and some real family to come around him and hold him up. It's really going to be different and everyone involved will be imacted one or another. But God is up to something special so I'm cautiously excited for the future. PRAY!!!
Two of my friends are getting married in the next two months! Another two will be married next summer, one of whom asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. No, of course I'm not jealous. Not at all. Well, maybe just a little bit, but not in an impatient, unhealthy way. My turn will come at just the right time.
I need to get going now. Thanks for reading. God bless you.

The best birthday gift ever...Freedom

Last night and early this morning was incredible. Anders and I were sitting on their couch spending some quality time together, waiting for Barbara to pick me up. We were speaking deep things of the heart and sharing the joys one brings to the other when Something happened. Anders reached over and cupped my jaw in his hand and told me that I was beautiful. This happens a lot and I always love hearing it. I smiled and said thank you. A look came into his wonderful eyes that looked akin to pain.
He said, "You just don't know how beautiful you are." I said that I probably didn't. That look was back.
He was all of a sudden saying, "You just don't know! I wish I could tell you what you do to my heart. How can I make you see? I don't know how to tell you how amazingly, captivatingly beautiful you are! I don't know how to tell you. I just don't know what to say!"
Something broke loose inside my heart. It was pride being broken that I didn't know was there, and I finally realized that I was able to believe him! I really, truly, believed that I was beautiful. Not because of what I look like, but because I am. I thought I believed it before, but I had just known it. With my head, with my "doctrine". Anders, guided by the aching heart of God, had set me free from the fetters of pride and brought me into the sweet light of liberty. Fetters I thought I had taken care of almost a year ago. I wept, broken, humbled, and finally accepting who I was created.
Then Barbara came and we stood up to say goodbye and pray together. Sometimes Anders prays for me while looking into my eyes and he did last night. There was something different in his eyes. For the first time I could see that he was not talking to me, even though his eyes were looking deep into my soul. I have always loved listening in while Anders talks to God about me and prays blessing and protection over me. He took authority over my life and rebuked Satan and his works and those eyes got so intense and stern that, if he had been talking to me, I would have been scared.
When Anders paused and smiled at me, my chest felt on fire. A look of wonder came over him and he said, "Oh my gosh! I just felt my heart connect to you!" We couldn't do anything but stand there looking at each other, realizing that we had just fallen in love in a whole new way! I was crying and we were both laughing in the joy that God, the Author of Romance, had plunged our hearts into. It was like God had revealed Himself to us in each other's eyes. It felt like I had been following after God my whole life and He had just turned around and I had seen His eyes for the first time in Anders. Anders said the same thing happened to him!
After we left and arrived at the house, Anders called and we spent 96 minutes figuring out what had just happened. I read Hebrews 11:24-26 to him and said that I thought God had let us peek into the box holding the treasure waiting for us as a reward for spurning the "passing pleasures of sin" and holding out for what God has for us. Discovery after discovery kept blowing us away as God blessed us with them. We were both crying and laughing and having the most amazing worship time.
Here's where the birthday bit comes in. I was telling Anders about realizing the freedom of finally believing my beauty and I looked up at the clock. It was 12:05 am. It was my birthday. I was 21 years old. A woman who now believed in the beauty she has to unveil. Not only that, but if you will page down to a previous entry, you will see that on Dec. 25 at 12:05 am Something Else happened. Exactly 5 months ago we professed our love and now we have fallen into a love deeper than ever before. Isn't the Lord good, amazing, exciting, and just darn cool? He showed to me that night in the joyful eyes of my man the joy Christ has in His bride, the church. He showed me that the overwhelming love of Anders is diddly compared to His love for me. So wild and passionate is the heart of God for His beloved.
Don't you want to know such love? It's possible, my friend. Just let Him in. Just ask Him to save you, to rescue you from the fight you are so tired of fighting on your own. The fight to be enough, to be accepted, to be loved. He loves you unconditionally. Won't you let Him show you how much? You will never be the same. I promise.

Where were we...?

Well, it has certainly been a while since last posting. Oops! Things have been busy and somewhat stressful in a good, growing sort of way. It's hard finding a balance in spending time with family and Anders, work, Bible studies, discipleship with Rebecca and Audrey, etc.
Anders' and my relationship just keeps getting deeper, stronger, more fun, more amazing. God has really blessed us as we strive to honor Him. There have been several times we've had to step back and make a few changes to keep up the standard of purity we committed to on Jan. 1, and I'm pleased to say God has been faithful in keeping us between the extreems of legalism and lawlessness. There is so much joy to be found in a relationship committed to and controlled by God. I would have it no other way! There is a passage in the book of Hebrews in the Bible that has really blessed us as we walk contrary to the ways of the world. It's talking about Moses, but it really fits our situation.

"By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasure of sin, considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he was looking to the reward." Hebrews 11:24-26

We have chosen a path that is different and a little weird to most people because we value the name of Christ. As Christians, we are His example on earth. We want to honor Him because He is worth it. We love Him because He loved us first and died for us while we were His enemies so we could become His friends. Yes, Anders and I are normal human beings with normal desires, but those desires have been committed to honoring God. He has given us strength to deny the passing pleasure of sin-or what may lead to sin-and will reward us for that. Our first kiss will be on our wedding day if God brings us there. What's cool is that neither of us has ever kissed anyone. Ever. It will something we share only with each other with no memories of previous relationships getting in the way. God is so AMAZING!!!

The last of the year...

Well, here I am house sitting again! My boss and his wife left for Canada on Christmas morning and they'll be back this weekend. It's my first time being alone, though. Bo is feeding animals for our neighbors AM and PM so she had to stay home. It's been fun! Indy the dog keeps me company.
I am so ready to have a home of my own. These little "practice runs" at other peoples' places just keep confirming that. My own dishes, my own furniture, my own bed, my own flowers, my own routine, my own smells, my own colors in my own kitchen. Mine, mine, mine, me, me, me! Well, it isn't that bad, but you get the idea. Speaking of own flowers, Robin's house plants need to be watered and I have to prepare the lesson for youth tonight and I haven't eaten since 9:30 this morning. Toodles!

*sigh*

I never knew one could feel so treasured, so cherished. At 12:05 on the morning of December 25, 2005, Anders told me that he loved me. I knew, of course, but this was the first time he had said those words and didn't mean "like a sister". "I love you, too!" was my response. Those tiny words are so small compared to what they mean to me. It was like God leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. Accepting the blessing of Anders' love filled me with such a flood of worship to the One who created such love. The One who loves us so much that what I feel for Anders is indifference in comparison to His fierce, tender, jealous, unexplainable passion for us. God, You blow me away. Thank you! Teach me to love You like that...

The plunge...

I feel it is time to bring everyone up to speed with the gritty details of my life. Not annoying gritty like the leftover polish in one's teeth after the dentist, but the joyful kind like finding beach sand from the summer in the creases of one's duffel bag during the winter.
Anyway, the easiest way to get this done is to just say it. The beginning is a good place to start. Anders, Bo, and I have been best friends for some now. August 2006 will mark the 7th anniversary of our meeting. The last four and a half years have brought more amorous feelings for Anders from me but I was able to mask them from him anyway until about 2 1/2 years ago when he started reciprocating them. God did a lot of work in me those two years I was alone in my feelings. LOTS!!! Like getting it through my head that He and He alone will ever complete and fulfill me. I had to be His first and foremost before He would allow "a man in my life." A few days before Anders left for Texas for a year we were finally able to express what had been growing between us the last 14 months or so. Then he left. We agreed that a year was a long time for people to be apart and so we would see what God would do. I'm still amazed at what He did do! Honor Academy rules dictate that any relationship between the genders would be strictly platonic, so I spent Anders' three visits home pretending that I didn't love him and he was afraid of being dismissed so he kind of kept me at arm's length. It was really hard and confusing and stressful and I gained and lost the same three pounds over and over again. The only thing that I could really cling to was knowing that God was in charge and that whatever He brought to pass would be very good. What a lesson in trust!
Fast-forward to September 8, 2005. Anders and I had our first "talk" since he left. We shared some things that God had shown us and just kind of talked things out. Neither of us felt lead to commit to a romance at the time so we decided to set our acknowledged feelings for each other aside for a time and take another dose of platonic tonic. Get to know each other again. Keep building our friendship. Find out where and how God had grown us. What we didn't know was that the expiration date on the tonic was only four months away. We had prayed that God would give us the love for each other that He wanted us to have. We completely and repeatedly surrendered "us" to Him and begged that He would do His work uninhibited by our human efforts. He has surprised us, friends! Surprised us with what He had done in each other's lives, with the growth and maturity we saw, and with the love He has blessed us with.
December 10, 2005 at the Bean Tree (a charming coffee shop), after serious consultations with parents and mentors, Anders and I decided to "kick our relationship out of neutral" and move slowly but deliberately into courtship to see if God has marriage in mind for us. There are still many patches of heavy fog that we can't see through right now, but we are committed to glorifying God with all that we do. Our relationship is to reflect our relationship with God as His church. We are dedicated to fighting for physical, mental, and spiritual purity and helping each other out in that fight. It is rough. It is beautiful. It is something I wouldn't trade for the world on a silver platter. We are at peace and filled with a joyful excitement over what is ahead. Rejoice with us, friends, and please keep us in your prayers.

The Joys of Pain

Pain...we all know it personally in one way or another. Physical, emotional, imagined, actual. Pain of our own and pain we feel on behalf of others. Sharp, dull, brief, and lasting. Pain caused by others and pain we bring on ourselves. It can be a good thing! It warns us that something is not quite right. It reminds us of our humanity and drives us to the One who comforts, heals, rescues, and holds us and tells us it's gonna be okay!
Thomas Ward Walker died at 22 weeks gestation early last week. He was 6.4 oz. and 8.5 inches long, perfectly formed. The pain I experienced the day I heard was like that I might feel if my own son had died. I hurt for the Walkers as a family, for Rebecca as a mother, as my friend, and I hurt for me. I hurt again for the loss of my brother and sister-in-law's unborn baby who died almost a year ago. I think it hurts me so bad because I long for children of my own. When Rebecca and Michele were pregnant I got to be excited with them and for them and for the joy of the "someday" of my own. I got to pretend and dream. When the babies died, my dream baby (in some wierd way) died with them. I've begged God not to let this happen to me. Then Wednesday while praying for the Walker family on the floor of my friend's bedroom, He asked me "What if I do let miscarriage happen to you? What if your baby dies before being born?" Talk about a red hot poker through my soul!!!! I had to pray for strength to answer! He has been with me through all the "Isaacs" I've had to lay on the altar of obedient worship and He gave me the courage and strength to lay this one down. If the plan of my sovereign and loving God requires the life or death of my future children, then they are His. If His plan will be carried out in my never having children or never marrying, my body and life are His to do with as He pleases. He has never let me down and it is not in His character to start now. He was, is, and always will be worthy of all praise in every situation. My heart is at peace because it is resting in His hands. The name of my God is a strong tower in which I am safe. Thank you, LORD!!!